This article is part of our Thunderbastard series.
I realize most of our attention is on the big game this weekend (and yes, I do mean Chelsea v. Man City), however, I also know that there might be some people actually interested in the outcome of this week's Super Bowl. Well, let's be honest---what you all really want to know is how can this week's Super Bowl Prop Bets help you with your starting Fantasy XI. Lucky for you, my loyal readers, I am here to explain how that connection is actually possible.
So Pats fans stop trying to justify Deflategate (you're cheaters and everyone knows it), Seahawks fans stop trying to convince us you didn't actually turn the game off (or leave it) with minutes to go against the Packers, and Steelers fans remember, our favorite team already has six Super Bowl rings!
So here you go, a look at how this year's prop bets can help you with your Fantasy EPL team!
The Katy Perry Halftime Bet: What color hair will Katy have?
Oh, this one is going to keep me up at night. Clearly, I am a fan of black (+200) haired Katy (specifically the straight black); but, I don't think Ms. Perry is going to give up this chance to try and stand out with a little coloring. If I had to put money on this one, I would pick purple (+500). Why purple you ask? Well, I've done my Katy Perry research and know that she is a West Ham fan. Sure, her love of the Hammers came from her old marriage to Russell Brand; but, apparently she has remained a fan.
So, with Katy's EPL fandom in mind, let's talk who to play from West Ham this weekend when they visit Liverpool. Andy Carroll and Stewart Downing are the two obvious choices. Carroll has scored in his last two EPL matches, and he will be highly motivated when he returns to Anfield. WithCarroll playing so well and Liverpool continuing to be inconsistent, he has the opportunity to make the fans in the KOP feel like he's the one that got away.
Downing is likely the safest play. He has a goal or assist in four of his last seven EPL matches and with his ability to counter, don't be surprised to see him back on the score sheet (possibly from one of his patented crosses landing on Carroll's head). However, if you are looking for a dark horse, Enner Valenica may just be the one to make you roar. The 25 year old Ecuadorian has a goal and an assist in two of the last three games and was their Man of the Match in last week's EPL battle with Hull. Valencia is currently £6.4m (in the official Premier League fantasy game) and is the best bet if you want to show Katy Perry some respect and play one of her West Ham men. (For those playing at home, there are three, not so clever or subtle, references to Katy Perry song titles in that this last paragraph….can you find them?)
The National Anthem Bet: Will Idina Menzel forget or omit at least one word from the official US National Anthem? (Yes +400, No -600)
Seems like you have to take the shot that she will…I mean it is one word. I certainly don't know every word (yet, I can recite almost every line from Caddyshack.) All I know is that this bet will certainly have plenty of people frozen to their TV during the anthem (Get it? Gee, do I have to keep explaining all my witty references?)
Wondering what this prop bet has to do with you picking your best XI this week?!?! The answer is simple: the EPL version of this prop bet is, has Robin van Persie forgotten how to score? In his last six games, RVP has more yellow cards than goals (two to one). Yes, in his last four EPL games, the mighty RVP has a total of five fantasy points. To put that into context, Harry Kane (a favorite of the Thunderbastard) has 29 points in his last four games. Considering RVP's price tag is a whopping £12.2m, you would be much better off to just let him (it) go (only those of you with young kids will get that last one).
The First Points Bet: How will the first points of the game be scored?
Now this might seem like a tricky one. Will the first score come when Tom Brady throws a (likely somewhat deflated) ball to Gronk (3/1) or possibly when Steven Hauschka (he went to college in Vermont) bangs a 45-yard field goal (7/2) for Seattle to go up 3-0? Though those certainly make sense, my money is on Russell Wilson handing the ball to Marshawn Lynch for the initial go ahead running touchdown (3/1). What has the potential to make this special, is that there is another prop bet involving Mr. Lynch which is gaining a lot of attention: Will Marshawn Lynch grab his crotch after scoring a touchdown? (Yes +400, No -600) No, I am not kidding, this is a bet, and yes, it seems like easy money!
Again, you might be wondering, what does discussing who will score first and if Lynch will grab his crotch have to do with your fantasy soccer team…well, leave it to the Thunderbastard to dig deep and eventually recognize the obvious connection.
Let me explain: what player do you think is tied for the lead for most goals scored in the first 15 minutes of games? You guessed it (no you didn't), Peter Crouch. Crouch (which is eerily similar to crotch) may have only four goals so far this year, but three have come in the first 15 minutes after kickoff. Knowing this, it is impossible to look past the obvious signs that Crouch will score first in this week's game, while Lynch will grab his crotch after scoring first in his game…do I need to spell it out any more?!?!? So I implore you, take a chance and get Crouch into your lineup this week (only £5.7m). His opponent, QPR, is atrocious defending set pieces and we know that Mr. Crouch (all 6-8, 175 lbs of him) excels in the air. Look for him to knock one in early and get you some easy fantasy points…though his patented robot celebration may not rival that of Marshawn's (or so we hope).
The Yes, There is Actually an EPL Prop Bet, Bet: What will be higher on games played Feb. 1st? Goals scored in Arsenal v. Aston Villa -1/2 (-130, 10/13) or Tom Brady TD Passes +1/2 (EVEN 1/1)
Ok, so first of all, I don't really know what all those numbers mean, but I know one thing: a bet that has me saying who will be more successful, Arsenal or the Pats, is just plain painful. But in the grand scheme of life, my dislike of Arsenal is nothing (and I mean nothing) compared to my absolute hatred of New England (which may seem odd for a Vermonter).
My sporting interests aside, this is an easy one to figure out. First off, Brady might sneak one TD pass in during the game; but, that is all he is going to get against Richard Sherman and the rest of the Seattle D. Now, though I am certainly a big fan of Brad Guzan (he might very well be the US starter in the next World Cup), I just don't see how Arsenal doesn't score multiple goals in this one.
Actually, the better prop bet might have been, will Alexis Sanchez single handedly have more goals than Tom Brady throws touchdowns (Insert cool fact here: amazingly, Sanchez has outscored the ENTIRE Villa team this year, 12-11). Going into Sunday's game, Sanchez is on a great roll. In his last five EPL games, he has four goals, three assists, and has been Arsenal's Man of the Match three times (in all, totaling 35 fantasy points). Though his price of £11.5m is pretty steep, he has consistently proven to be worth the play (and I would certainly take him in the imaginary prop bet v. Brady) and is a great choice to captain your squad. Besides Sanchez, you would also be smart to consider starting Olivier Giroud (£8.2m), who has scored four goals in his last five EPL matches and is a great candidate to play up top this weekend. It seems pretty clear, if you feel like taking this cross sport prop bet, bet on the EPL!
Thunderbastard of the Week (and this is a beauty) : Napoli's Marek Hamsik
Bonus Info: My Super Bowl Prediction is…
Seattle 42 - New England 10
